Ok so it has to be 300 words. Im in gr 9 please if i di make ny mistake tell me what i can do to make it better.
HERE IT IS:
The smell of fresh paint flooded the room. The music playing in the background sounded perfect for ballroom dancing; the bustling waiters rushed around in their stark white uniforms, placing forks and knives on the tables. I could tell that my belly button was peeking out of my black cropped top, which went perfectly with my dark denim high wasted shorts; under it I was wearing pantyhose. I had put a lot of thought into this blind date.
Brian was more than 30 minutes late for our first date. As I took out my phone to check the time a raspy voice from behind me asked “Are you Emily Stevens?”
I turned around and saw a man with piercing blue eyes, flushed cheeks and a grin on his face. He had unlaced sneakers and a pungent smell. He carried a beaten-up briefcase.
“Yes” I replied.
“I am Brian Montgomery, your date” he whispered.
As he sat down, I noticed scrapes and scars on his hand. He seemed very nervous and uneasy. When he talked, his voice was shaky and he would stutter at every sentence while fiddling with his hands. He kept receiving phone calls and he would constantly turn around as if someone was after him. He seemed very suspicious. But I didn’t give it too much thought.
Soon enough I was lost in his eyes like pools and I didn’t even know what we were talking about. I heard him mention something about skydiving. But my fantasy came to a sudden stop when a man in a police uniform shouted “Brian Montgomery, put your hands up you are under arrest! We caught you red handed” The police gestured the other police towards Brian. Brian was stunned. The police took his brief case and opened it.
“What?” I panicked.
BTW: i had to use all these words:
fresh paint
ballroom dancing
forks and knives
belly button
pantyhose
unlaced sneakers
too much thought
etc....
can you tell me if that is ok?! what can I do to make it better.
thank youIs this a good short story and what can I do to improve it?
In P%26amp;S answers happen in an instant ZIP ZAM ZWOOOOOOOOOOOOSH buddy, nobody has time to read that!!!!!!!! GOODBYE *ZOOOOM*
Instead of saying "what".
............Whoa I thought, as the policeman put on the handcuffs and started to take him away. I`m glad my date is over before it began. Who knows how it would have ended.Is this a good short story and what can I do to improve it?
I think you should change how Brian Montgomery introduces himself, he sounds like a robot.
You need to work on your dialogue.
It's not: “Yes” I replied.
It is: “Yes,” I replied.Is this a good short story and what can I do to improve it?
IDK.
too long couldn't be bothered to read it.
Very good for a 9th grade english class. Like the first answer said, I would work a little more on the dialogue. I think you should add something more or change the “Yes” I replied and “What?” I panicked. I'm not really sure if the comma is supposed to go inside the comma with "Yes," or outside "Yes",
This story seems better.
Your use of "belly button" and "pantyhose" seem to be good.
The ambiance of the room and her clothes don't match. Maybe ask yourself why she and the guy were dating at that location.
"unlaced sneakers" and "too much thought" seem to be good.
See if you can shorten some paragraphs, so that you can have space to describe why the police want him, and what happens to the main character. Is this supposed to have a happy ending?
its great i read all of it :) i wonder what was in the briefcase! kept me as the reader engaged and hooked in which is what you want to do so well done! also my name is emily ahha
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